CONSUMER WRIGHTS

Do you know your Consumer Wrights?
Call our team of professionals now and we'll guide you through the murky maze.
Here's what our customers have to say about us.

I recently bought a laptop from PC World. The minute I managed to get online it automatically downloaded the sex tape of Katie Richie, (Sally from Home and Away). I couldn't believe my luck, and must confess, started masturbating immediately. In the excitement I accidentally jizzed all over the keypad, and my man-milk dripped through causing it to short circuit. When I went to return it they directed me to the manufacturer and told me my warranty was with them. I was outraged that they didn't refund my money so I phoned up Consumer Wrights and got straight through to Former Arsenal and England star Ian Wright. Whilst he knew nothing about where I stood legally with the warranty, he did tell me an interesting story of how he would help Gary Lineker pin his ears back with Blu-Tack before they filmed Match of the Day.
Elliot Richardson, Highfields

Ian Wright - Not legally trained, but interesting chap.

I was once duped into buying a second hand car off my mate Dave for £50. He told me that it had done 117,456 miles, but by the time he had driven it over to mine it had done 117, 460. When I met my mate Dave in the Pub later that week I told him he at least owed me a pint for putting an extra four miles on the clock. When he refused I phoned Consumer Wrights and got straight through to Radio 2 DJ Steve Wright. He didn't have an answer for where I stood legally with the car but entertained me with a factoid about how his wife has never given him oral sex in their 20 years of marriage. I told him I loved the show, even though I don't, and actually can't stand the cunt.
Rob Jones, Rosemary Ave

Steve Wright - Love the show, not really.

My wife spontaneously combusted the other night whilst we sat watching ITV's Long Lost Family with Davina McCall. I thought I could claim the damaged couch back on the house insurance but they told me I wasn't covered by natural disasters. When I phoned Watchdog and asked if I could sue the program, they put me through to Consumer Wrights where I got hold of reality TV personality Mark Wright. He was kind enough to take my call even though he was being noshed off in the disabled loo's by his fiance, that Tina from Coronation Street. At least that's what he called her. He wasn't overly sure on where I stood legally with my couch that is still smoldering with my dead wife's charred remains, but he told me a wonderful anecdote about how him and two of his Towie mates made an air stewardess airtight on a flight from Luton to Magaluf.
Alex Greaves, Leyton Orient

Mark Wright - Kind of him to take my call whilst being noshed off.

The other day I had a handy man come round and lay down 20 square feet of carpet in my lounge and hallway. When I came home I noticed he had carpeted over my dog that was asleep at the foot of the stairs. Its only a minor detail but when I asked if he could kindly come round and amend his mistake, he told me that he wouldn't be able to make it round for another 3 weeks. I have since had to drill holes in the carpet to allow the dog to breathe and have fed him water and heinz soup through a straw. When I phoned Consumer Wrights I got straight through to Matthew Wright from channel 5's The Wright Stuff. To my amazement, I was actually put through live on air. He didn't know the first thing about where I stood legally, neither did his panel of guests, Richard Bacon, Andrew Castle and Fiona Phillips, however this didn't stop them talking about it for two hours.
Steve Rolls, Braintree

Matthew Wright - Can talk about nothing, for hours.

Who is the best Murray?

It's the question that has baffled some of the greatest minds for centuries, well maybe this week, who is the best MURRAY?
Driving enthusiasts side with Murray Walker, Tennis lovers and the entire Scottish nation plum for Andy Murray whilst confectionery connoisseurs favour the classic Murray Mints. We have thrown the three contenders into a winner takes all showdown where only one will be crowned champion.

ANDY MURRAY

Grand Slam Titles Won -
Currently Murray has a Wimbledon title and a US Open title to his name. Although he won Gold in the 2012 London Olympics it doesn't count as a Grand Slam as it was largely agreed that Federer couldn't really be arsed on the day of the final. Although he has more Grand Slams to his name than his Murray rivals its a relatively low amount considering he practices tennis everyday. 2/10

Honours Received
Murray was awarded an OBE in 2012 for his achievements and the Sports Personality Award the following year. When he visited the Palace to receive his Knighthood, the cheeky Scot mocked The Duke of Cambridge's poor calligraphy skills. The Duke laughed it off but once behind closed doors the Duke had to be restrained as he was seen swinging his coronation sword calling for Murray's head on a spike. 8/10

Durability
Questions over Murray's durability and fitness have often come into doubt. Since his back surgery he has struggled to keep up with his rivals and often tires in the latter rounds of all competitions. Regarding his ability to last in bed a former girlfriend once told The News of the World, 'Murray was very paranoid about his ability to last in bed. I wasn't so bothered about that however he often called for the ball boy to towel his face during sex and having a small 15 year old boy in the corner of the bedroom was slightly distracting.'  2/10

Sensitivity
Murray famously blubbed like a little girl when he got beat in the final by Federer in 2012. A spokesman for the Murray Haters Society said 'This is the best day of my life! Not only has he been beat convincingly and shown the whole world what a real pussy he is, but we still own Scotland! It doesn't get much better than this.' 1/10

Sex Appeal
You only have to look at Murray's fit wife Kim to know that the former Wimbledon winner oozes sex appeal. Kim goes everywhere to cheer Andy on when he plays around the world. Life is one permanent fucking holiday for Mrs Murray. Whether or not he would be quite as appealing without the 30 Million in prize money he has accrued over the years is neither here nor there. It's fair to say that Murray has polished that Scottish turd as far as it will go. 10/10

Glove Compartment Compatibility
Despite the dexterity of the current world number 2, Murray has never managed to fit comfortably into a glove box. A poor round but further proof that Murray tires in the latter rounds of competition. 0/10

Game Set and Match. As always Murray gave it his all, but he just couldn't deliver the goods when needed. Safe to say he has had his arse served to him by the other Murray's. 23

MURRAY MINTS

Grand Slam Titles Won
You'd think the Murray mint would be favourite to clean up in this round having been on the face of the planet the longest. But not only has it never won a grand slam, but it hasn't even got to the final of Queens. Queens is barely a tournament that even Henman managed to get to the final of. Not managing this simple task shows a distinct lack of effort from the Murray Mint. 0/10

Honours Received
The Murray Mint famously and publicly declined to be appointed an OBE in 2012. A spokesman for Bassett's said. 'The Murray Mint is very flattered but feel the honour would be inappropriate due to the nature of its work. Besides Foxes Glazier Mints got an MBE, quite frankly, offering us a mere OBE, is a fucking insult.' 4/10

Durability
The durability of the Murray Mint has puzzled scientists for years. Founded in early 2000BC the Murray Mint has a deep history of survival in the fiercely competitive dog-eat-dog world of the Mint Market. Not to mention you can suck on one for at least a month, they take even longer to make it through your digestive system. On top of that if a Murray Mint was produced now, it wouldn't go off until the year 2099. 7/10

Sensitivity
The Murray Mint is quite a sensitive little creature. Leaving one in the jonny pocket of a pair of jeans, or relentless sucking, would reduce the Murray Mint to nothing but a gooey mess. However it has never cried in public when losing a tennis match or watching a formula one race. It's another great round for the Murray Mint. 8/10

Sex Appeal
Sadly the Murray Mint fails on all fronts. Not only aesthetically does it look unattractive but the smell of a Murray Mint on ones breath is enough to repel any clunge. Sadly the scent of a sucked Murray Mint can be smelt from miles away. Its scent has a blast radius of approx 5 miles and has been known to knock a buzzard off a shit wagon at close quarters. 0/10

Glove Box Compatibility
No Glove Box would be complete without a bag of Bassetts Murray Mints inside. In fact when Ford released they're American Muscle Cars during the 60's a major selling point for the consumer was that it came with a free bag of Murray Mints in the glove box. Failure to include the classic retro sweets would see the cars sent back to the manufacturers and a full refund given. This leaves a strong finish for the Murray Mints catapulting them up the leader board. 10/10

Suck on that. The Murray Mint pulled out all the stops but just came up short to a worth adversary. It's back to the drawing board for the retro sugary treat. 28

Murray Walker

Grand Slam Titles Won
Murray has failed to ascertain any Grand Slam Titles to date. However at the sprightly age of 91 its clear that the best years are ahead of the former BBC broadcaster. Not only that, he has also proven himself to be amazingly versatile commentating on formula one for both the BBC and ITV. It's surely not IF Murray Walker will win a Grand Slam, but when. 6/10

Honours Received
Murray fought valiantly at the Battle of the Reichswald with the 4th Armoured Brigade. He left the Army having attained the rank of Captain. He was also bestowed an OBE for his tireless work in journalism which basically entailed being flown around the world first class to commentate for a few hours on cars driving around in a circle for 20 weekends of the year. 7/10

Durability
Murray has proven himself incredibly durable. Like the fucking Duracell bunny he keeps on going and continues to trash every punters celebrity death sweepstake up and down the country. He has even fended off cancer so the loveable Brummie is showing no signs of retiring to the pits yet. 8/10

Sensitivity
Murray famously commentated on Damon Hill winning the Japanese Grand Prix in 1996. As Hill exited the last chicane onto the home straight an emotional Murray blubbed 'and I've got to stop talking, as I have a lump in my throat.' The Murray Society Haters had a field day demanding Murray to be sacked from the BBC. A spokesman said 'Typical of Murray to make it all about him. A complete lack of professionalism ruined what was a wonderful moment for Hill.' 1/10

Sex Appeal
Murray was never a looker in school and struggled with the ladies. However when the charismatic former Formula One winner and all round top-shagger James Hunt joined him in the commentary box for ten years, Murray's sex appeal went through the roof. Hunt would take Walker everywhere he went and would often let Walker watch whilst he shagged his way through hoards of groupies. Sadly Hunt died suddenly from a heart attack in 1993 and Walkers sex appeal inevitably plummeted. 4/10

Glove Box Compatibility
Ironically, despite having spent the majority of his life in and around the motor industry, Murray has never managed to squeeze himself into a glove box. The closest he has come was when his voice was added to an early addition to the Truckmate Pro Satnav. After use it would slide conveniently into the glove box next to the Murray Mints. However his voice was discontinued after truckers found his constant enthusiasm for a chicane irritating. 3/10

AND LOOK AT THAT. Murray Walker continues to answer his critics and has pipped the Murray Mint to the finish line. A huge magnum of champagne and a trip to victory lane to this much loved broadcaster.  29

Kylie crushes 500 in stage dive

Kylie moments before the stage dive that killed 500

There were tragic scenes at the Apollo theatre last night when pop dynamo Kylie Minogue crushed an entire audience with a stage dive at a warm up gig on her tour. The Australian pocket rocket attempted the outlandish maneuver on her closing number 'I should be so Lucky'. However it didn't prove to be so lucky for the 500 in attendance that were crushed as she took a courageous leap off the stage, a height of five feet. As reports started to come in, it was announced by the venue owners that were no survivors of the event. Kylie released a statement via her website stating 'Wow sorry peeps. I guess I have put on a couple pounds, Better the Devil you know eh?' She joked.

Cox - 'It's just good science'

People remain baffled how the diminutive pop starlet managed to crush an entire audience, but physicist and former keyboard player of D-ream Brian Cox explains the science behind the tragedy.
'You know if you drop a five pence piece from the top of the Eiffel tower it will kill someone on the ground due to the velocity of its descent, same rules apply here. It just goes to show when you don't know your science, tragedies like this can occur.'

Classy Kylie performs at the vigil

Families flocked together outside the theatre last night and held a vigil in honour of the dead. June Fagskin who lost five children in the crush spoke out 'It is a tragedy no doubt about it, but if anyone were to crush my kids to death, I'm glad it was Kylie.' Kylie also performed at the wake much to the mourners delight. They danced the night away to an hour set consisting of hits such as 'Feels so good,' 'Breathe' and 'Better get outta my way.'

Hipsters to blame for climate change

Hipsters to blame for Climate Change

Hipsters are to blame for climate change according to a new investigation warranted by a consumer watchdog official. 'These fucking cunts will be the death of us all,' stated the former shadow environment health secretary, Donald Cocksmith. Apparently, the rise of vinyl records bought primarily by Hipsters at the Rough Trade record chain, is the number one factor contributing to the rise of extreme weather.

'With sales of Vinyl records going sky-high, our green house emissions are increasing ten-fold.' Told an anonymous source from the Royal Society. 'Hipsters are solely to blame and we must look at ways of enticing them over to digital.' The government have been forced to intervene in the wake of this global crisis. It's rumoured the solution could be to offer every Hipster a Linda McCartney's microwave meal for one with every Spotify subscription.

The CEO for Spotify Len Balldropper has already stated this would be an inadequate solution. 'Increasing Hipsters intake of veggie food is a terrible idea. They will only fart up our high streets more and the extra methane gas will penetrate the ozone and will make the climate more unstable.'
The Hipsters of London Borough gathered in an independent vintage clothing store yesterday to try and counter act the claims. One bearded gent gave a speech that lasted 6 hours. 'This is just another example of a totalitarian capitalist corporate regime trying to underpin the under-served working class. Exacerbating the truth whilst simultaneously stripping us of our divine humanitarian liberties.'
After several hours of indecipherable bollocks they did however reach a compromise and grant the government permission to kill any Hipster  over the age of 33 seen wearing skinny jeans.

'Cunts like these will be the death of us all' - Cocksmith

The perils of online dating

Online dating can be a scary place for the uninitiated, and for Freddie Flaptickler in particular, it proved to be quite the eye opener. Freddie has recently found himself single after his wife of 40 years, unfortunately stopped living suddenly. After a whole 2 weeks of mourning, Freddie threw himself into the murky jizz-filled pit of online dating. He has decided to share some of his adventures with our very own Daily Horn for a packet of Rothmans and a miniature bottle of Bells.

It's amazing who you find on these online dating sites these days. The other day I stumbled upon Nigella Lawsons profile on Match.com. Fresh on the market from divorcing the Saatchi Strangler, Nigella invited me round for dinner to try a dish from her new book, 'How to cook when off your face.'
She opened the door and to my astonishment, was wearing nothing bar her little pin stripe apron. She told me to make myself comfortable and chiseled out a couple of lines of cocaine on the coffee table whilst she checked on dinner. I have to say I found this rather inappropriate because everyone knows that cocaine stifles the appetite and having a couple of lines at that time would easily put me off what ever was about to be put on my plate. Not wanting to make a bad first impression, I dutifully snorted up a couple of rails and followed her to the kitchen.

There she served up some pan seared tuna tartare with a coconut curry sauce, and poured me a glass of pinot noir. It left me speechless how wreckless the woman was. Clearly a bottle of Riesling, or at a push, the Vouvray would have been the wiser choice for a dish this sweet. Once again I sheathed my tongue and endured the heavy clash of flavours ying-yanging uncomfortably around my palate. 
After dinner we retreated to the living room where we watched some of the Ryder Cup highlights. Then to my amazement, she switched off the tele and preceded to nosh me off right there on the settee. It was the last straw for me as the Ryder Cup was coming to an exciting climax. Although I stayed out of politeness and encountered a rather exciting climax myself, why she couldn't have left the television on whilst felating me at the same time, beggars belief. Luckily I caught up with the highlights on the iPlayer when I returned home so the evening wasn't a total write off, but needless to say, I haven't returned any of her calls. 

After the nightmare date with Nigella I was tempted to call it a day with internet dating all together. However curiosity got the better of me and when I set up a profile on Plenty of Fish I was gobsmacked to receive a message from iconic pop sensation, Madonna. Gobsmacked purely because I'm in my late fifties and had entered an age bracket of 18 to 22 living within a 5 mile radius. So I'm not sure how a 55 year old Madonna living in southern France managed to slip through the net, but when she insisted on cutting her European tour short to come see me, I knew it would be rude not to indulge her. We met at the Dorchester and I have to say, for the first half hour, we chatted rather pleasantly about her earlier career in showbiz. However it soon took a turn for the worst when she told me about how badly her last previous relationship had broken down because of her busy and conflicting schedules. She then pulled out her diary and asked what my schedule looked like for the next 10 years. I told her I work one night a month delivering takeaway kebabs and she was utterly crestfallen. It just so happens that night coincided with her yoga and neither of us could wriggle out of our commitments. We spent the next few hours drinking and pondering what might have been. After a few bottles of vino we both felt rather tipsy and Madonna suggested that rather than wasting the evening entirely, we should stay the night in the penthouse at the Dorchester and fuck each others brains out. Not wanting to seem too easy, I suggested we go to the room to continue drinking heavily and see where the evening would take us. 

Well let me tell you, it was the biggest mistake I could have made. Not only did she take advantage of me in my drunken state, but she also called up Lady Gaga for a threesome. It was clearly going to be a 'Bad Romance' between Madonna and I, especially when Gaga turned up and I was forced into having unrelenting sex with them in every position possible. I selflessly rogered both of them for 8 hours straight before managing to sneak out whilst they ordered more champagne from room service. As I caught the bus back to my bedsit in East Aldgate, it had occurred to me that I had been callously duped into having a drunken 3-way with two of the biggest pop-stars of the current era. Which might sound like a dream come true for some men, but it wasn't what I signed up for.

  I decided to have one last throw of the dice and set up a profile on Tinder. Once again I couldn't believe my eyes when the site gave me a match with none over than Clare Balding. I guessed the site had some gremlins being relatively new, as I distinctly asked not to be matched with lesbians that could out do me in an arm wrestle. However I eventually caved to curiosity and met up with Clare down the local. Clare was very engaging and regaled some wonderful anecdotes about her time presenting the Olympics. However I could tell she had a competitive streak as she spent half the night on the fruit machine and the other half having bare knuckle fights with the local punters. She continued to show signs of her combative spirit when she invited me back to her house to play Strip Twister. Unexpectedly Clare proved to extremely supple and before I knew it, I was down to my kegs within a couple of plays. But being the good sport she is, Clare stripped down to just her underwear and said 'Now we're even, last one standing wins.' Well let me tell you, as our bodies entwined into impossible shapes, we found ourselves collapsing into into the reverse cowboy position. At this point it suddenly dawned on me, that the whole game was a cunning rouse to get me into some sordid sexual act. Before I knew I had been mislead (which was after 5 hours of hardcore fucking) I had done my load. Balding then told me to leave before her lesbian partner came back from her shift on the door at the greyhounds. I can't begin to tell you how used I had felt by the whole ordeal. As far as I'm concerned those sites are only for people that are there for one thing, and that's not for me. 

If anyone is interested in dating Freddie, please send your CV with a complete sexual history to the Daily Horn and we will pass it on. Pop idols, lesbians and celebrity chefs with massive tits need not apply. 
 

Freddie not impressed

Parrott calls 999 to save owner

Parrott - Anyone else would have done the same.

Ex-snooker player and former World Champion John Parrott has been praised by the St Johns ambulance service after dialing 999 when his owner collapsed. Parrott's owner, Dick Berry, fell off the sofa whilst reaching for the remote control last Tuesday. Parrott who is the legal property of Berry, sprung into action by leaping off his perch and dialed 999 to alert the emergency services. Paramedics rushed to the scene and forced their way in to the property. Berry was found safe and sound on the sofa with just a strained intercostal muscle, but this didn't detract from what the ambulance services hailed as 'an unbridled act of heroism' from Parrott.

The first Paramedic on the scene, Joan Squarechin, said 'When control radio come through that a Parrott had called 999 you are immediately concerned for the owner, and the Parrott. We had a little laugh when we realised what had happened, but it's still a selfless act by Parrott.'

Berry described Parrott as 'His little hero'. The unemployed father of 10 told reporters, 'I couldn't believe it when the Ambulance turned up. I have drilled the number 999 into Parrotts head countless times, I had no idea he had it in him.' 

The Liverpudlian MBE and TV personality received a paramedic teddy bear, and an assortment of seeds.

Last man on earth who'd have sex with Pam St Clement, dies aged 90

Pat - 'Monty was a true gent'

Sad news from the world of showbiz this week when it was revealed that the last known man alive who openly admitted he would willingly have sex with Pam St Clement, died peacefully in his sleep at his home in East Bergholt. Monty Bishop 90, was not only a member, but the founder of an elite fraternity of people that would slip the former Eastenders star one should she be at a loose end. Pam St Clement who played Pat Butcher on the soap for 26 years, left a touching tribute on the clubs website. 'I was shocked and heartbroken to hear the news that Monty had passed. It was always a great comfort for me to know that Monty was just a phone call away should I fancy a good seeing to. He was a true a gentleman in my eyes.' The club which was free to join, hit its peak in 1987 with 17 members. The numbers have plummeted since Pam left the show two years ago, and with the passing of Monty this week, finally closed its doors to the public.

Monty loved the Butch

A source close to Pam spoke to a Newsround reporter last night saying 'Pam is by and large a very private person. And when I mean 'by' I mean Bi-Sexual, and when I mean 'large' I mean over weight.'

June Wiseacre, Monty's wife of 70 years also told a reporter, 'Monty adored Pam. So much so he would call me Pam in bed and make me waggle my lower jaw from side to side whilst saying "You cheeky cow" in a self righteous manner.'