Hipsters to blame for climate change

Hipsters to blame for Climate Change

Hipsters are to blame for climate change according to a new investigation warranted by a consumer watchdog official. 'These fucking cunts will be the death of us all,' stated the former shadow environment health secretary, Donald Cocksmith. Apparently, the rise of vinyl records bought primarily by Hipsters at the Rough Trade record chain, is the number one factor contributing to the rise of extreme weather.

'With sales of Vinyl records going sky-high, our green house emissions are increasing ten-fold.' Told an anonymous source from the Royal Society. 'Hipsters are solely to blame and we must look at ways of enticing them over to digital.' The government have been forced to intervene in the wake of this global crisis. It's rumoured the solution could be to offer every Hipster a Linda McCartney's microwave meal for one with every Spotify subscription.

The CEO for Spotify Len Balldropper has already stated this would be an inadequate solution. 'Increasing Hipsters intake of veggie food is a terrible idea. They will only fart up our high streets more and the extra methane gas will penetrate the ozone and will make the climate more unstable.'
The Hipsters of London Borough gathered in an independent vintage clothing store yesterday to try and counter act the claims. One bearded gent gave a speech that lasted 6 hours. 'This is just another example of a totalitarian capitalist corporate regime trying to underpin the under-served working class. Exacerbating the truth whilst simultaneously stripping us of our divine humanitarian liberties.'
After several hours of indecipherable bollocks they did however reach a compromise and grant the government permission to kill any Hipster  over the age of 33 seen wearing skinny jeans.

'Cunts like these will be the death of us all' - Cocksmith