The perils of online dating

Online dating can be a scary place for the uninitiated, and for Freddie Flaptickler in particular, it proved to be quite the eye opener. Freddie has recently found himself single after his wife of 40 years, unfortunately stopped living suddenly. After a whole 2 weeks of mourning, Freddie threw himself into the murky jizz-filled pit of online dating. He has decided to share some of his adventures with our very own Daily Horn for a packet of Rothmans and a miniature bottle of Bells.

It's amazing who you find on these online dating sites these days. The other day I stumbled upon Nigella Lawsons profile on Match.com. Fresh on the market from divorcing the Saatchi Strangler, Nigella invited me round for dinner to try a dish from her new book, 'How to cook when off your face.'
She opened the door and to my astonishment, was wearing nothing bar her little pin stripe apron. She told me to make myself comfortable and chiseled out a couple of lines of cocaine on the coffee table whilst she checked on dinner. I have to say I found this rather inappropriate because everyone knows that cocaine stifles the appetite and having a couple of lines at that time would easily put me off what ever was about to be put on my plate. Not wanting to make a bad first impression, I dutifully snorted up a couple of rails and followed her to the kitchen.

There she served up some pan seared tuna tartare with a coconut curry sauce, and poured me a glass of pinot noir. It left me speechless how wreckless the woman was. Clearly a bottle of Riesling, or at a push, the Vouvray would have been the wiser choice for a dish this sweet. Once again I sheathed my tongue and endured the heavy clash of flavours ying-yanging uncomfortably around my palate. 
After dinner we retreated to the living room where we watched some of the Ryder Cup highlights. Then to my amazement, she switched off the tele and preceded to nosh me off right there on the settee. It was the last straw for me as the Ryder Cup was coming to an exciting climax. Although I stayed out of politeness and encountered a rather exciting climax myself, why she couldn't have left the television on whilst felating me at the same time, beggars belief. Luckily I caught up with the highlights on the iPlayer when I returned home so the evening wasn't a total write off, but needless to say, I haven't returned any of her calls. 

After the nightmare date with Nigella I was tempted to call it a day with internet dating all together. However curiosity got the better of me and when I set up a profile on Plenty of Fish I was gobsmacked to receive a message from iconic pop sensation, Madonna. Gobsmacked purely because I'm in my late fifties and had entered an age bracket of 18 to 22 living within a 5 mile radius. So I'm not sure how a 55 year old Madonna living in southern France managed to slip through the net, but when she insisted on cutting her European tour short to come see me, I knew it would be rude not to indulge her. We met at the Dorchester and I have to say, for the first half hour, we chatted rather pleasantly about her earlier career in showbiz. However it soon took a turn for the worst when she told me about how badly her last previous relationship had broken down because of her busy and conflicting schedules. She then pulled out her diary and asked what my schedule looked like for the next 10 years. I told her I work one night a month delivering takeaway kebabs and she was utterly crestfallen. It just so happens that night coincided with her yoga and neither of us could wriggle out of our commitments. We spent the next few hours drinking and pondering what might have been. After a few bottles of vino we both felt rather tipsy and Madonna suggested that rather than wasting the evening entirely, we should stay the night in the penthouse at the Dorchester and fuck each others brains out. Not wanting to seem too easy, I suggested we go to the room to continue drinking heavily and see where the evening would take us. 

Well let me tell you, it was the biggest mistake I could have made. Not only did she take advantage of me in my drunken state, but she also called up Lady Gaga for a threesome. It was clearly going to be a 'Bad Romance' between Madonna and I, especially when Gaga turned up and I was forced into having unrelenting sex with them in every position possible. I selflessly rogered both of them for 8 hours straight before managing to sneak out whilst they ordered more champagne from room service. As I caught the bus back to my bedsit in East Aldgate, it had occurred to me that I had been callously duped into having a drunken 3-way with two of the biggest pop-stars of the current era. Which might sound like a dream come true for some men, but it wasn't what I signed up for.

  I decided to have one last throw of the dice and set up a profile on Tinder. Once again I couldn't believe my eyes when the site gave me a match with none over than Clare Balding. I guessed the site had some gremlins being relatively new, as I distinctly asked not to be matched with lesbians that could out do me in an arm wrestle. However I eventually caved to curiosity and met up with Clare down the local. Clare was very engaging and regaled some wonderful anecdotes about her time presenting the Olympics. However I could tell she had a competitive streak as she spent half the night on the fruit machine and the other half having bare knuckle fights with the local punters. She continued to show signs of her combative spirit when she invited me back to her house to play Strip Twister. Unexpectedly Clare proved to extremely supple and before I knew it, I was down to my kegs within a couple of plays. But being the good sport she is, Clare stripped down to just her underwear and said 'Now we're even, last one standing wins.' Well let me tell you, as our bodies entwined into impossible shapes, we found ourselves collapsing into into the reverse cowboy position. At this point it suddenly dawned on me, that the whole game was a cunning rouse to get me into some sordid sexual act. Before I knew I had been mislead (which was after 5 hours of hardcore fucking) I had done my load. Balding then told me to leave before her lesbian partner came back from her shift on the door at the greyhounds. I can't begin to tell you how used I had felt by the whole ordeal. As far as I'm concerned those sites are only for people that are there for one thing, and that's not for me. 

If anyone is interested in dating Freddie, please send your CV with a complete sexual history to the Daily Horn and we will pass it on. Pop idols, lesbians and celebrity chefs with massive tits need not apply. 
 

Freddie not impressed