Who is the best Murray?

It's the question that has baffled some of the greatest minds for centuries, well maybe this week, who is the best MURRAY?
Driving enthusiasts side with Murray Walker, Tennis lovers and the entire Scottish nation plum for Andy Murray whilst confectionery connoisseurs favour the classic Murray Mints. We have thrown the three contenders into a winner takes all showdown where only one will be crowned champion.

ANDY MURRAY

Grand Slam Titles Won -
Currently Murray has a Wimbledon title and a US Open title to his name. Although he won Gold in the 2012 London Olympics it doesn't count as a Grand Slam as it was largely agreed that Federer couldn't really be arsed on the day of the final. Although he has more Grand Slams to his name than his Murray rivals its a relatively low amount considering he practices tennis everyday. 2/10

Honours Received
Murray was awarded an OBE in 2012 for his achievements and the Sports Personality Award the following year. When he visited the Palace to receive his Knighthood, the cheeky Scot mocked The Duke of Cambridge's poor calligraphy skills. The Duke laughed it off but once behind closed doors the Duke had to be restrained as he was seen swinging his coronation sword calling for Murray's head on a spike. 8/10

Durability
Questions over Murray's durability and fitness have often come into doubt. Since his back surgery he has struggled to keep up with his rivals and often tires in the latter rounds of all competitions. Regarding his ability to last in bed a former girlfriend once told The News of the World, 'Murray was very paranoid about his ability to last in bed. I wasn't so bothered about that however he often called for the ball boy to towel his face during sex and having a small 15 year old boy in the corner of the bedroom was slightly distracting.'  2/10

Sensitivity
Murray famously blubbed like a little girl when he got beat in the final by Federer in 2012. A spokesman for the Murray Haters Society said 'This is the best day of my life! Not only has he been beat convincingly and shown the whole world what a real pussy he is, but we still own Scotland! It doesn't get much better than this.' 1/10

Sex Appeal
You only have to look at Murray's fit wife Kim to know that the former Wimbledon winner oozes sex appeal. Kim goes everywhere to cheer Andy on when he plays around the world. Life is one permanent fucking holiday for Mrs Murray. Whether or not he would be quite as appealing without the 30 Million in prize money he has accrued over the years is neither here nor there. It's fair to say that Murray has polished that Scottish turd as far as it will go. 10/10

Glove Compartment Compatibility
Despite the dexterity of the current world number 2, Murray has never managed to fit comfortably into a glove box. A poor round but further proof that Murray tires in the latter rounds of competition. 0/10

Game Set and Match. As always Murray gave it his all, but he just couldn't deliver the goods when needed. Safe to say he has had his arse served to him by the other Murray's. 23

MURRAY MINTS

Grand Slam Titles Won
You'd think the Murray mint would be favourite to clean up in this round having been on the face of the planet the longest. But not only has it never won a grand slam, but it hasn't even got to the final of Queens. Queens is barely a tournament that even Henman managed to get to the final of. Not managing this simple task shows a distinct lack of effort from the Murray Mint. 0/10

Honours Received
The Murray Mint famously and publicly declined to be appointed an OBE in 2012. A spokesman for Bassett's said. 'The Murray Mint is very flattered but feel the honour would be inappropriate due to the nature of its work. Besides Foxes Glazier Mints got an MBE, quite frankly, offering us a mere OBE, is a fucking insult.' 4/10

Durability
The durability of the Murray Mint has puzzled scientists for years. Founded in early 2000BC the Murray Mint has a deep history of survival in the fiercely competitive dog-eat-dog world of the Mint Market. Not to mention you can suck on one for at least a month, they take even longer to make it through your digestive system. On top of that if a Murray Mint was produced now, it wouldn't go off until the year 2099. 7/10

Sensitivity
The Murray Mint is quite a sensitive little creature. Leaving one in the jonny pocket of a pair of jeans, or relentless sucking, would reduce the Murray Mint to nothing but a gooey mess. However it has never cried in public when losing a tennis match or watching a formula one race. It's another great round for the Murray Mint. 8/10

Sex Appeal
Sadly the Murray Mint fails on all fronts. Not only aesthetically does it look unattractive but the smell of a Murray Mint on ones breath is enough to repel any clunge. Sadly the scent of a sucked Murray Mint can be smelt from miles away. Its scent has a blast radius of approx 5 miles and has been known to knock a buzzard off a shit wagon at close quarters. 0/10

Glove Box Compatibility
No Glove Box would be complete without a bag of Bassetts Murray Mints inside. In fact when Ford released they're American Muscle Cars during the 60's a major selling point for the consumer was that it came with a free bag of Murray Mints in the glove box. Failure to include the classic retro sweets would see the cars sent back to the manufacturers and a full refund given. This leaves a strong finish for the Murray Mints catapulting them up the leader board. 10/10

Suck on that. The Murray Mint pulled out all the stops but just came up short to a worth adversary. It's back to the drawing board for the retro sugary treat. 28

Murray Walker

Grand Slam Titles Won
Murray has failed to ascertain any Grand Slam Titles to date. However at the sprightly age of 91 its clear that the best years are ahead of the former BBC broadcaster. Not only that, he has also proven himself to be amazingly versatile commentating on formula one for both the BBC and ITV. It's surely not IF Murray Walker will win a Grand Slam, but when. 6/10

Honours Received
Murray fought valiantly at the Battle of the Reichswald with the 4th Armoured Brigade. He left the Army having attained the rank of Captain. He was also bestowed an OBE for his tireless work in journalism which basically entailed being flown around the world first class to commentate for a few hours on cars driving around in a circle for 20 weekends of the year. 7/10

Durability
Murray has proven himself incredibly durable. Like the fucking Duracell bunny he keeps on going and continues to trash every punters celebrity death sweepstake up and down the country. He has even fended off cancer so the loveable Brummie is showing no signs of retiring to the pits yet. 8/10

Sensitivity
Murray famously commentated on Damon Hill winning the Japanese Grand Prix in 1996. As Hill exited the last chicane onto the home straight an emotional Murray blubbed 'and I've got to stop talking, as I have a lump in my throat.' The Murray Society Haters had a field day demanding Murray to be sacked from the BBC. A spokesman said 'Typical of Murray to make it all about him. A complete lack of professionalism ruined what was a wonderful moment for Hill.' 1/10

Sex Appeal
Murray was never a looker in school and struggled with the ladies. However when the charismatic former Formula One winner and all round top-shagger James Hunt joined him in the commentary box for ten years, Murray's sex appeal went through the roof. Hunt would take Walker everywhere he went and would often let Walker watch whilst he shagged his way through hoards of groupies. Sadly Hunt died suddenly from a heart attack in 1993 and Walkers sex appeal inevitably plummeted. 4/10

Glove Box Compatibility
Ironically, despite having spent the majority of his life in and around the motor industry, Murray has never managed to squeeze himself into a glove box. The closest he has come was when his voice was added to an early addition to the Truckmate Pro Satnav. After use it would slide conveniently into the glove box next to the Murray Mints. However his voice was discontinued after truckers found his constant enthusiasm for a chicane irritating. 3/10

AND LOOK AT THAT. Murray Walker continues to answer his critics and has pipped the Murray Mint to the finish line. A huge magnum of champagne and a trip to victory lane to this much loved broadcaster.  29