Mirren Fanbase told to double their wanks

A recent scientific study out of Oxford has revealed that for the first time since 1970, under 50% of the UK population would refuse sexual intercourse with Dame Helen Mirren. The research also concluded that the number of wanks now attributed to the former Prime Suspect star have fallen below 100,000 a year for the first time since records began. The findings of the survey that is carried out every year at the University has not gone down well with the Mirren fanbase. A spokesman for the Mirren fanclub Bert Chubbon told Twat magazine 'I can't believe the audacity of some people.' He added, 'Dame Helen is not only hot totty, but a British institution. For people to refuse her even in a hyper-pathetical situation is just outrageous. I gave a speech at the community hall last night and urged the fanbase to double their number of wanks for Dame Helen. Some started immediately which was encouraging. She is our proudest export and and if her sex appeal continues to free fall then it could really harm the economy.'

Dame Helen now 68 is said to be quite philosophical upon hearing the news. A source told Spurt Magazine 'Helen is saddened but far from mortified. She'll bounce back from this.' The people behind the survey suspect the low numbers are due to the fact that the Oscar winning actress hasn't got naked on screen since 1989 when wanks attributed to Dame Helen peaked at just over 3 million in the UK alone.