Salmond's quest for Independence ends as Mum moves in

Salmond - faces uphill struggle

Alex Salmond's pursuit for independence took a step backwards last night when it was revealed his mum has moved into his spare room. Apparently Salmond's mum, Ethel Salmond, leaked the news to her best friend down the bingo hall and hours later it was all over social media.
'This is a huge blow for Salmond,' said a source close to the First Minister. 'We all know how hard he is fighting for independence, but it's going to be an uphill struggle now.'
Salmond was forced to face the national press yesterday to try and resurrect his political career. 'I have been forced to tackle many difficult obstacles on my campaign, this is just another hurdle I'll be happy to face head on.'

Ethel Salmond 'It won't be forever, I've only got three months to live'

Although he didn't elaborate on how he is going to achieve independence in Scotland, his mother was more than happy to. She told Bingo Weekly 'It's an unfortunate turn of events for Alex, but it won't be forever. I've only been given 3 months to live and I've agreed to stay in my room so I won't impose on his independence.' She added, 'Alex has always been striving for his independence. So much so that when he was little he talked of nothing else. One year we drove down to Walton-on-the-Naze. We left him there on purpose and said "Go on, make your way back to Inverness on your own now you little shit." Well to our surprise not only did he make it back alive, he made it back before us. Amazing for a 5 year old.'

Connor MacLeod - 'Won't be easy for Salmond to host hooker parties'

Political theorists believe that this will be the final nail in Salmond's quest for independence. His former assistant Connor MacLeod also spoke out last night 'He had a good run, but there's no way Alex can have his naked pogo parties and set fireworks off from his ass cheeks with his mum under the same roof.'