 |
| The Man from Delmonte, not seen for awhile now. |
New clues emerged this week as to the whereabouts of The Man From Delmonte. The jaffa loving, citrus drinking fashionista disappeared from our screens mysteriously in the early 90's, and although Delmonte have claimed for years he still remains an active force within the company, rumours were abound that he had been killed in action. This week an inuit tribe from the Artic Tundra stumbled upon a diary and a panama hat that may give clues to the events leading to his disappearance. The last four entries have been leaked to the press.
JUNE 25th 1988
In Tamil Nadu checking out the famous 'Seeya Orange'. I got a tip from my mate Dave on the quiz team that this grove will be the pick of the crop this season. Dave must have have been fed some misinformation because this batch gave me the shits. My ass has been tied to the toilet since I landed last week and the indigineous tribe of Nadu have only provided me with double quilted bog roll, not the triple that I specified on the rider. Needless to say the walls of my chocolate corrider have taken a hammering this week. I called the wife to give her an update and she said that Dave had been round to check up on her and cook her dinner, which was thoughtful of him.
JULY 4th 1988
Landed in the outer regions of Kenya and trekked across the Nairobi desert in search of the 'Likeyawife Plantation' as recommended by Dave from the quiz team. He tells me its an untapped resource but however he must have given me the wrong coordinates as I have been trawling the many dunes of this sparse wilderness and have yet to see any kind of life. It's hard to see really how an Orange Grove could thrive under this particular heat. I called my wife to give her an update and Dave was there giving her a shoulder massage to help relax her from worry that I might come into harms way upon my travels. Which was thoughtful of him.
JULY 10th 1988
I've landed in Zambia on the quest for the 'Bulllsheet Orange' that Dave from the quiz team has been evangelizing about for days now. It's just my luck that I have landed smack bang in the middle of a military coo with all the neighbouring countries inflicting mass genocide on its people. I will be lucky to find any kind crop that has withstood the aftermath of chemical warfare. In fact I am very concerned for my own safety but didn't want to alarm the wife when I called her earlier today. Luckily Dave was there to comfort her. She said that he has moved in for a spell to ensure that she remains distracted whilst I am on my travels. Which is so thoughtful of him.
OCTOBER 28TH 1988
I'm writing this from the Earths core in search of the elusive 'Joossdie Orange'. According to Dave from the quiz team it has never been seen by man and can only be found beneath the Earths Mantle. The excavation has taken much longer than I expected and I have all but exhausted my supply of Delmonte Tropical fruit drink. I have taken refuge from the uninhabitable conditions by making a small igloo from tectonic plates. I managed to get word to my wife who explained that Dave was kind enough to fulfill her sexual needs in my absence. I will certainly be buying him a few beers upon my return.
JULY 4th 1988
Landed in the outer regions of Kenya and trekked across the Nairobi desert in search of the 'Likeyawife Plantation' as recommended by Dave from the quiz team. He tells me its an untapped resource but however he must have given me the wrong coordinates as I have been trawling the many dunes of this sparse wilderness and have yet to see any kind of life. It's hard to see really how an Orange Grove could thrive under this particular heat. I called my wife to give her an update and Dave was there giving her a shoulder massage to help relax her from worry that I might come into harms way upon my travels. Which was thoughtful of him.
 |
| Man from Delmonte hated being called a jaffa. |
JULY 10th 1988
I've landed in Zambia on the quest for the 'Bulllsheet Orange' that Dave from the quiz team has been evangelizing about for days now. It's just my luck that I have landed smack bang in the middle of a military coo with all the neighbouring countries inflicting mass genocide on its people. I will be lucky to find any kind crop that has withstood the aftermath of chemical warfare. In fact I am very concerned for my own safety but didn't want to alarm the wife when I called her earlier today. Luckily Dave was there to comfort her. She said that he has moved in for a spell to ensure that she remains distracted whilst I am on my travels. Which is so thoughtful of him.
OCTOBER 28TH 1988
I'm writing this from the Earths core in search of the elusive 'Joossdie Orange'. According to Dave from the quiz team it has never been seen by man and can only be found beneath the Earths Mantle. The excavation has taken much longer than I expected and I have all but exhausted my supply of Delmonte Tropical fruit drink. I have taken refuge from the uninhabitable conditions by making a small igloo from tectonic plates. I managed to get word to my wife who explained that Dave was kind enough to fulfill her sexual needs in my absence. I will certainly be buying him a few beers upon my return.
 |
| The Earths core, home to the mythical Joossdie Orange. |
No comments:
Post a Comment