The Iceman competition cometh (viz taken)

Bjorn calls Val a pussy.

The committee residing over who should be the real 'Iceman' have announced they have whittled the shortlist down to two names; Swedish Tennis champion of the 70's Bjorn Borg and Val Kilmer who played Lieutenant Tom "Iceman" Kasansky in the 80's blockbuster smash Top Gun. The news has come as a blow to the likes of ex-Dutch footballer Dennis Bergkamp who was coined Ice man for his deft touch and ice cool composure in front of goal. "I would of course appeal the committee's decision to not include me in the final two," Said the ex-Arsenal forward today "but that would mean losing some of my coolness. I have to laugh at the irony of that." Also missing out on the prestigious award is retired snooker player Stephen Hendry. "I am disappointed they have not put forward my nomination." Mused the scot. "I have been lobbying hard and feel like all those years I was winning matches, suppressing my joy and looking like a miserable cunt, was all for nothing." 

Bjorn Borg is the bookies favourite going into the event. He earned his title for winning his matches without making a single grunt. "Ya, I mean I am of course going to win," Chimed the plucky Swede. "I am without doubt the better sportsman, and if I was in a fighter jet, I no doubt wouldn't need my pussy arse being looked after by tiny Tom Cruise. I mean ya, how long did he have to take that shot? Forever no? I blame him for Goose's death." Val Kilmer hit back at Borg this week stating "I played some great volleyball in that film, so Borg has no right to say he is the better sportsman. Goose's death was a tragedy but no one was to blame, it was a horrible accident."

Val cleared him of Goose's death

However the issue of who should be rightly crowned "Iceman" has proved to be incredibly divisive amongst the fans. Renowned DJ Gary Stewart said in an interview recently "Gosh I'm split right down the middle on this one. I mean Val Kilmer's 'Iceman' was such an iconic role for me growing up. He showed great Icy qualities bouncing back from Goose's death and going on to win Top Gun. Yet Bjorn Borg got a girl pregnant whilst hosting a wet t-shirt competition. You don't get much cooler than that."

The event will no doubt be the biggest ratings pull that channel Dave has ever had, with over 200 people expected to tune in.